Originally published on Little Old Lady Comedy (April 2019)

Pre-menstrual? Peri-menopausal? Constipated? UTI? Seasonal allergies? Too much ramen? Hung over? Low-fiber diet? High-fiber diet? Air travel? Standing sex? Any and all of these could cause dreaded belly bloat. Or perhaps it’s just your body reacting normally to a day’s worth of food and air swallowing—but for fuck’s sake, it’s got to go. I mean, did that ass hat just ask you when your baby was due?

The medical establishment might offer their standard advice: drink lots of water, exercise, avoid alcohol and salt but who has the time or motivation for that?

Here’s one crazy trick that works 99% of the time.

Use a giant hat pin to deflate belly bloat and slip into your skinny jeans with ease, Insta those hip bones and invite friends for body shots out of your super vertical umbilicus. Perhaps you don’t even know what a hat pin is. Well, it’s a large (6-8 inches) piece of straight skinny metal with a sharp point at the end. You can probably find one in Ye Olde Antiquity Shoppe along a charming stretch of back roads near Greenwich, Connecticut or you can time travel back to the era of Jack the Ripper and pick one up. Either way, it’ll be worth the effort once you see how quick and easy you can go from beach ball belly to beach ready.

In olden times, ladies used these lovely items to stick hats to their hair. (And, for a bit of historical arcana, some of these early Nineteenth Century gals used hat pins as weapons when they were harassed by overly friendly fellows on the trolley. But we don’t have to worry about that anymore, right?) You can hit up your hat pin anytime anywhere to release all that built-up abdominal gas. In fact, you won’t even need your butthole anymore! Just give yourself a quick jab or get dressed as a piñata, throw a hat pin party where you and your friends stick each other until you’re all mistaken for Karlie Kloss. Your handy hat pin will make a practically invisible puncture wound through your skin, muscle (and perhaps a major organ) and your puffy belly will look like a Ouija board in five minutes or less. Because there’s a small risk for infection, tetanus, scarring, and hepatitis we recommend antibiotic prophylaxis and an advanced health directive before trying the hat pin de-bloat method. Once you’re looking great, head directly to Pinterest (excuse the pun) and post #hatpinning so fellow bloaters can see what they’re missing. Stay tuned for news about how hat pins can work on estrogen-inflated breasts and under eye puffiness. If that all works out, you’ll be well on your way to becoming glam voodoo doll. I’m so ready. Are you? Now, where I put my white leggings and crop top?