Originally published on Little Old Lady Comedy (August 2019)

I just got fired from my job and found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me. Nevertheless, this dress with pockets is really rocking my world. I mean, you can actually fit your entire hand into the pockets of this little number. Though I’d be willing to accept patch pockets, this dress features roomy slit ones at the seam that are practically invisible. Yes, I’m unemployed and alone, but nothing compares to slipping a key, the last twenty-dollar bill to my name and a tapped-out credit card into the practically invisible pockets featured on this dress. 

Yesterday, standing in front of the mirror with my hands stuffed inside my pockets, I felt an overwhelming sense of well-being. There is something so empowering about sticking your hands into dress pockets. You’re a bad ass with a hidden pistol and a lovely maiden of the valley all at once. You can even scratch your nether regions without hardly anyone noticing. You can pull your pockets inside out and make rabbit ears out of them. When you dance with your hands in your pockets, you look like some cool dudette in a Quentin Tarantino film.

You start getting all sorts of thoughts when you wear a dress with pockets. Like what if I didn’t need a crossbody bag and a giant tote and simply used the pockets on this dress to carry me through the day? What if I simply walked out of my apartment with everything I needed nestled inside these little pockets? What if I could go to a party and scoop salsa onto a chip without having to awkwardly squeeze a clutch bag between my arm and ribcage? What if I didn’t have a stiff and aching neck from schlepping at least two 15-pound bags around with me all day? 

I almost feel like I don’t deserve these pockets or perhaps that they should belong to someone else. But after I stick my hands in my pockets, my confidence soars and I know that I was meant to have them. 

Do you also know that pockets can keep your hands warm? They also come in handy when your nail polish is so badly chipped or your nails themselves are so chewed to the nub that you feel unworthy of the people around. Pockets on dresses also make you feel super smart. People will think that you are three steps ahead of them when you jauntily stick your hands in your pockets during a business meeting. They will wonder if you have Butterscotch Lifesavers in your pockets or you are planning a high-level executive takeover. Pockets even make lint fun! You can roll the lint between your fingers and make little cigars.

Pants with pockets are not nearly as much fun for some reason. Pockets on pants are dumb, especially the back pockets. When I stick my hands in my butt pockets, I feel dumb and cranky, especially if my thumb is dangling on the outside. I don’t like the way coins look when they are in your back pockets. People will imagine that you have a butt disease when they see the strange shape that quarters make.

Pockets on the front of pants are just as bad. They are either super tight so you can only fit a Tic Tac in them and can never fish it out again, or they are side pockets that look like gaping mouths on the side of your hips.

So, I will happily stick with my jaunty dress pockets. No one will ever guess that I am edging toward the existential abyss and/or have no more than $16 in my checking account as I sashay down the street like Belle in Beauty and the Beast with my hands tucked safely away like two birds in a dark nest. Next time a crisis slaps you in the face, take a deep breath and dig out that crazy dress with the deep, comforting pockets. It’s better than sex, money or a career. Just keep telling yourself, “wow, feel these pockets.”

Ahhhh!