Originally published on Little Old Lady Comedy (Dec. 2018)
Too exhausted for a CVS run to get a package of single-dose Monistat? Is your OB/GYN booked until July? No health insurance? Or do you simply think it might be fun to “be present” with your next yeast infection? Here’s how to tell the world you can rock vaginal candidiasis like a boss with these five fashion accessories. We’ve made a few DIY choices so you can hang at home with a glue gun while you nurse your pussy back to health!
Bulgarian Plain Yogurt Cup Earrings– Dangle these eye-catching containers of bacillus and tell the world you’re living life like a probiotic badass. When that familiar burning sensation erupts at a party, find a spoon, the nearest bathroom with a floor to ceiling mirror and be your own vagi-o-logist.
A Hat with a Feather – No, there’s no real therapeutic benefit to a hat with a feather, but it’s very distracting for both the wearer and the people around you who will be both impressed and worried about you. Think of all the furtive scratching ‘down there’ you can do while everyone marvels at your head plumage.
Thrifted Gap Yoga Pants with the Crotch Cut Out– Go to your nearest Salvation Army, pick out a comfy pair by sizing up, head home and cut the crotch out with craft scissors. Spend a cozy evening with friends (invite others to join in solidarity!) as you enjoy the en plein airgenital lifestyle.
Garlic-Flavored Lip Balm– Since sex is officially off limits and there’s some scant folkloric rumors that garlic will do something or other for your condition, why not destroy any chance of a romantic encounter with a bad smelling-and-tasting smear of greasy garlic. Great as a vampire repellent too!
Mon Pubis Sweet Scentsation Lotion and After Shower Splash– Never think twice about offensive yeasty odors wafting into the air and entering the nostrils of friends and family with this statement fragrance. Top notes of tangy citrus blend with chipotle and paranoia to create a supremely confident You conquering the world while your yeast infection rages.
Be fearless when your next infection rears its head. Everyone will be green with envy as you let your yeast-flag fly.